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Find good people. By just existing, they change the people around them and their perceptions. If you have ever come across one of these iconoclasts, you might have done some introspection. You might have tried to figure out what made them that way or how you can try to be like them. This soul searching can be applied to everyone given the globalization of information. There are so many unique individuals that have something worth learning from and emulating. Think not just hard skills or knowledge, but perhaps unwavering morals, flexible thinking, and dedication to constantly improve. What do you mean they have an aura?

I met one such individual in college. It always seems to start off like a drunk college party story, but they were different. Wearing thick frames and sporting a buzz cut, they decked themselves out in all black, prepared to attend tomorrow’s funeral, ace the next physics test, and bring a shovel to a fight to the death, so to speak. Despite their stout appearance, they were the most interesting person in the room. If I had to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, it would be like staring at the cusp of greatness and limitless potential. Yet something was off, like they were broken, like they were suffering from being too good at piano, like they had some unfortunate backstory that shaped their development. Their aura screamed danger in all aspects, but they were antisocial, so they were never the most popular. Hence, they were socially second-rate, although my senses alerted me to such a stark contrast in how they were treated by the world to what they had to give. Tragic.

It’s very difficult to judge anyone based on what they think, what they say, what they do. With the media people consume online, we unconsciously pick up on social cues without having to be directly taught, making us do fake things to live fake lives. I still have no right to judge how other people live their lives, if they don’t directly affect me and the ones I care about, I tell myself. Perhaps the world is full of posers. Maybe we’re all just lying to each other day in and day out. And then I insert myself into the current situation, live in the moment, wipe a bit of butt, then indulge in these philosophical musings, only to fall into a spiral of inconclusive evidence and unjustified inferences.

In the hospital I see these random people. They have the most bizarre living situations and medical history. Sometimes you hear about people shooting up drugs or sustaining life with a machine forcing them to breathe. They all seem to end up at the hospital, like they all just randomly show up. Some of them survive the most bizarre circumstances when they should be dead. Then I rebuke myself for having such negative thoughts. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a job, to meet their basic needs, to live a normal life. And then the unsettling fear lingers in the back of my throat wondering how far away I am from ending up like them.

Working as a nurse, you see these sick people. The hospital attracts the entire social class. You might be caring for a prisoner or an old lady. Some people are nice. Others are mean. It is what it is, not easy to change personalities. Considering every single person’s psychological penchant is not efficient. As a nurse, much of what we do is assess someone based on first impressions and make conclusions. Sticking to objective facts instead of making assumptions is better. And then I think about the stereotype of mean girl nurses and how we just sus people up, for 12 hours a day 3 days a week, yet we are the most trusted profession.

I started being more cognizant about how I treat people. Most days I was too narcissistic to think about how my actions might be perceived or what repercussions my actions would have. When I see patients who thank me or appreciate me for the things I do, I gain a feeling of self-worth. But even if we spent our entire lives helping other people, we might not be rewarded with a fulfilling life or peaceful death. Yet I think it’s just based on how we perceive it. Imagine just because we hate to wipe ass, we treat people worse, and then think if these patients wanted someone unwilling to help. I dislike poop like anyone else, but it’s not like we need a black belt in cleaning patients to be useful.

In that aspect, I guess I have a talent for ignoring the dirty, disgusting, and dangerous aspects of nursing. I can do most things as well as the next person, even if I can’t be the best in healthcare. It’s not like every baby comes out of the womb born to administer drugs or sus people up. Nursing welcomes everyone regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, etc. Some call it a scam—some aren’t passionate about it—I just show up to work and do the best I can do. It was never always like that for me. For example, I took violin lessons young, but never improved after a certain level. Blame not practicing, but I just never had a talent for music. I regret not trying harder to be better, but it only hurt myself. In nursing, not being good hurts other people, so I don’t feel bad when I wake people up in the morning at 3 am, violating their personal space like a thug.

So I fondly think back to that person from college. They might not know it, but I admired them. I thought about them in various stages of my dysfunctional adult life. How there are countless people like them that are broken, poorly understood, downgraded to trash. Nobody is perfect. They were a nobody. They were socially second-rate, I must remind myself, or else I would feel so inadequate at their overpowered greatness. I try to mimic how they are, to find my own brown air force energy, hoping one day it can just magically turn black. But I know I can never be truly like them, no matter how hard I tried. They had their own innate instincts that allowed them to interact with the world uniquely. In some facets, I envied their ability to be authentically themselves, when everyone else would probably think they were a bit weird, to put it nicely. Nurses become mean girls in my opinion, and their personalities even stronger over time. I’ll stay content for now, picking up more shit stains on my bottom of my shoes, hoping one day I can be as OG as them.